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posted by: trekguy (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (5:25 am) Ah, sometimes drastic measures are called for in drastic circumstances. I've learned the hard way that fighting in front of the kids is seldom wise, but you know we are not perfect. Five kids is truly a 2 person job ( I used to call 5 kids, tall building time, like if I had them I'd be tempted to jump off a tall building!) Good luck, pal! posted by: altricial (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (8:21 am) Reply to: trekguy Yeah....nothing wise about this war. Yet like so many administrations in history, I find ongoing commitment to the bitter conclusion more politically attractive than an orderly retreat. I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days. About why I turn into a force to be reckoned with under just the right combination of circumstances. The "woman scorned" force is strong in this one. And yet the house I burn down is my own. Go figure. posted by: Your husband (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (8:29 am) I guess I deserve this. Eight years of drunkenness has a cost. I’ve come to realize that I won’t be fixed overnight. I still have a lot of problems. It is not for me to determine how you come at me. I guess the loving supportive approach was not yielding the results you demand. The part I don’t get is the wild swings. You go for months with a filthy house. You prioritize your blog and your outside activities over taking care of the family, and out of the blue, without a word, you throw away my DVDs because I didn’t put them away. I don’t blame you for not taking care of your business at home. I don’t take care of my business at home so the way I figure I am no better than you. But in the scope of things you are no better than me. I have been without a job. I have been drunk. I have been stoned. I have been drugged. I have been lazy and I have been fat. I am currently working very hard on all of these things. I want to be a better person. The hard truth about what I have been through is that I am not a better person. Without all of the vices I am still a piece of shit. And I know it without you telling me in front of my kids. But that is your call. I stumbled onto your blog completely by accident. I wasn’t looking for what I found but I found it anyway. I was shocked at some of what I read here. Some of it was offensive to me, but I came to realize that the things I did were your problems as well as mine. I was upset to find my picture, which includes a picture of my cousin, posted here. I remember hoping that none of my friends or family happen to stumble across this site. They all know I’m an alcoholic, but the details just make it that much more ugly. But I came to realize that the fact that I pissed on my own children is your story as well as mine. At least you remember it happening. I also remember the pain of such a seemingly one sided version of our life as you have shared it. You are the hero of your story and I often play the villain. But I guess that is pretty much the way things read on paper, except something has changed. For the first time in all of the years I have known you I actually don’t believe that I deserved this. You have been a master at preying on my insecurities and I always had a dark secret that made me subject myself to your particular brand of cruelty. You have pointed that powerful finger of yours and made your accusations. You have tried in vain to keep me in line. But what am I doing that is so wrong? So I want to set the record straight. I am not a good father. I am not a good husband. I am not a good person. I am perverse. I am not happy. I am not proud of myself. I have never been so scared in my life. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to about the amazing rush of emotions that I unknowingly invited into my life by putting down the bottle. Right now I am crying. What I do have is responsibility. For three hundred and sixty one days I have been sober and trying to figure how to face it. I am still very confused. I have been thinking seriously about getting some counseling. I have put most of this on hold until I drive again. So here I am. If you want to have World War III, have it alone. Yell at me and make your accusations. Push all the buttons you like. I want no credit for the changes I have made. I am more accountable than that. I know that I should never have gone down that road in the first place and getting back is not a triumph to be praised, just where I should have been years ago. I don’t see my recovery as better. I see my recovery as “not as far behind as I was a year ago.” That is my best case scenario. I hope you will continue to drive me for the next two weeks. We need me to get my license so I can drive myself. It benefits us both and we need the money I earn. After that if it is the beginning of the end I guess I can’t control it. Nor do I have the energy to try. There is one last thing I want you to know. I am recovering. I am not recovered. It is not up to you how and when I am recovered. It is not up to me either. I’d like to float some flowery feel good happy shit about how we can make it better for us both if we work together but I think we both know that I’m too big a piece of shit to have a healthy relationship. The funny thing is that I have never felt this alone. I realize now that I have ALWAYS been this alone, but I didn’t know it. I had all of my other junk to distract me. I chose fun over honesty. I chose me over all others. I chose what I want for what I have. I have been choosing this way for just shy of forty years and I am finding it difficult to choose otherwise now that I want something better than what I have. I’m sorry I got you into this mess. posted by: irishred (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (9:11 am) hmmm....I wish you well in this new situation. I do hope it works out for the best for all concerned. posted by: lindy (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (9:19 am) Whoa! *steps quietly back... posted by: lindy (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (4:09 pm) Altricial, and Mr. Alt... I feel like I am privy to something horrific and something so perfectly beautiful. Because these words are still here, I am adding to them with my own sentiments... (brave or stupid, you be the judge...) This long and 'colorful' history you share has been full of hard times, that is apparent by just Mr. Alt's above comment alone. But when I step back and look, really look, I see... two people who are finding their way through the best they know how and despite extremely hard times... they are still here, still together and not throwing in the towel. One thing I can say about Mrs. Alt is that the last thing on such a beautiful, sharp and devoted mind is leaving. I have never seen anyone with more determination and resolve, and more commitment. Despite the venting and carrying on, she is in it for the long haul, in fact, I am hard pressed to find a phrase that offers contrary. Well, that is my opinion anyway. Mr. Alt, just from this one comment, I see the same in you. Call me a naive and easily fooled romantic, call me optimistic and gullible, but I believe I am looking at an example of a successful marriage. Does that sound crazy? To me, it makes perfect sense. posted by: altricial (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (4:12 pm) Reply to: lindy Aww, damn, Lindy. Did ya have to make me cry in the library???? *smiles while sniffling* posted by: lindy (reply) post date: 03.21.05 (5:01 pm) Reply to: altricial Give em a good wail, Alt. They will secretly love it. Ever work in a library? They could use a little reality Alt TV. :) wishing for peace between you both... posted by: altricial (reply) post date: 03.22.05 (7:54 am) Reply to: irishred damn quagmires....OH! Hi IR!!! What's up? posted by: FinalyFree (reply) post date: 03.22.05 (6:36 pm) If ya need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen, I'm here. *hugs* posted by: altricial (reply) post date: 03.22.05 (6:48 pm) Reply to: FinalyFree Awww, thanks! Fortunately, this ended up being a really good thing. As trek told me (somewhere), his marraiges ended due to lack of communication. Well, our lack of communication ended with his reading my blog and that comment!!! :oD posted by: juniperflux (reply) post date: 03.22.05 (9:04 pm) Yikes. I have very little to offer except this: Never arguing in front of your kids is not only unrealistic but also unhealthy. Kids need to learn how to productively handle conflict and how to disagree w/o resorting to personal attacks. You can't hide your conflict from your children, and you shouldn't try to... rather, show them that conflict is a part of life but that it can be dealt with productively and most importantly that disagreeing with someone is not the same as not loving them. Kids don't need to feel as though their parents/home are perfect... just that they are safe, secure and loved. Best of luck to you. j |
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